Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. He was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili couldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers

Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain.. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili.

Judge # 2 A bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting schloshed from
all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVE

Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick.

Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes.. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.

Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel the need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.

Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth? My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.

Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge # 3 No Report

 

nice, I haven't seen that one for a while, I needed a good laugh

 

I have never seen it. My son and I had tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard.

 

I've read that somewhere before, but it's still hilarious. A lot of truth in it!

 

A classic that always make me laugh.

 

I haven't seen that one before. I did a cut and paste and sent it to my regulars. That is backwards
LMAO!

 

That is old. I remember it from awhile ago. Still funny as can be. Will bring tears to your eyes.

 

I saw that on the bronco forum.

 

Ive never seen it, but man that was funny.

 

As soon as it said "I farted" I started to laugh. People at work must think I'm losing my mind, trying to hold in the laughter!

Reminds me of the one of the cell phone in the public bathroom, that one still gets me everytime

 

I must be losing my sense of humor. I smirked a couple of times.