Fellow Members,

About 5 months ago my father passed away after being bed ridden for the last year or so. My parents had been divorced for about 9 years prior to this and there are 4 of us (me being the oldest @ 33, 2 middle sisters both married with childern and my 19 year old brother being the youngest).

About a month after my father passed, my brother Jason informed me that he got his ex girlfriend pregnant, she's due in August and also 19. While they were no longer "dating", they still lived together in an apartment away at school (both taking classes @ Western Michigan University). Turns out, this happened while his ex girlfriend was awaiting trial for her second DUI.

She received 45 days in the clink (while pregnant) and apparently had time to think about her mistakes. They had supposedly broke up because she was too controlling in my brother's mind and also by her own admission. My wife still talks to her all the time. He dumped her according to both of them knowing full well her condition.

Initially when she went in, they had agreed to both move back closer to home (her parents would take her in and I would take him in, our mother is remarried and living in FL). The intent was to have them close so they could be their for their child and even my wife and I would be willing to help with some of the burden, being that we have a 5 year old and 2 year old together. Just trying to give this kid some sense of normality and hoping him/her doesn't turn out to be a up.

2 weeks ago my brother shows up with his new girlfriend, informs us that he will not be moving back home and transfering to a local university, plus has already signed a lease at Western and enrolled in next semester classes. I asked him "What about your responsibility and obligation to your child on the way?" His reply was, "I guess I'll just be a weekend father..." I about lost it on him but refrained from physical contact because we had gotten into a fight a couple of years ago when he was selling drugs out of my mothers basement and she asked me to intervene.

I'm not his father and really don't want to come across that way. While he hasn't made the smartest choices thus far, he's a good kid for the most part (3.5 GPA, hard worker, always willing to help out family and is determinded to get his Bachelor's) but on that same note, I almost feel helpless because he's an adult and doesn't have to listen to me. Nor has he listened to anything I've told him thus far.

There's more to this than what was just written but I am really in a rock and a hard place on this one. I do not know this girl's parents (only met them once @ my father's funeral). My brother is convinced that Western is the place to be with his buddies and new GF, and that everything will just work itself out.

Alright, I'm done.... Thoughts???

 

He is 19 he already "knows everything" so he really isn't going to listen to you. The best you can do is voice your opinion and let him figure out in the end you were right.

 

Your brother needs to grow up and accept reponsibility and it does not sound as if that is likely. In my opinion, he would be a poor father and example for the child anyway. Personally, I would not want him around the child and the less influence the better. I really can't see the girl being much of a mother either. It's a tough situation when the parents are not mature enough for parenting. I guess you adopting the baby is not a possibility. A baby coming into a situation such as that generally has a rough life ahead. There is no good solution. Good luck with it, I can understand how painful and frustrating it must be.

 

I think you just need to let him "pave his own way"

Wayne

 

The entire situation sucks. I'd be furious, too, but then I've got kids and maturity, so I live in a totally different world than your brother.

I believe many people do not have their brains fully wired for responsibility & risk vs. reward until their mid 20's. As a youngest child of a broken home, your brother was probably babied a little, given less responsiblity as a youth, etc... so he is probably even less responsible than many in his age group, despite his high potential.

His new gal and the prospects for hot sex probably have a big influence on his change in life course. He had every chance to man-up and stick with his plans and responsibilities, but instead he is following the new girl. Hopefully he has learned enough not to knock her up, too.

In all likelihood, the mother of the baby and her family will assume the vast majority of child rearing duties, and the baby will be fatherless until the mom hooks up with someone else.

You and your family may be left out and you will barely get to know your niece/nephew and your kids will barely ever see that cousin.

IMO, when your brother comes calling to your for help to bail him out of this or his next situation, it will be time for some tough love (i.e. major strings attached if you do decide to help).

Stress like this can seep over into your own home. So whatever you do, don't put him and his problems between you and your family.

 

Since you can't be his father, I would just tell him to grow up and be a man. That he will be respected for that, and the opposite for anything less than making a commitment to the child that he created. Sorry for your situation. It most likely wont end well if you put yourself in the middle.

 

Grizz - I hear ya, and would probably be more inclined to take that approach if our father was still around. Then again, I probably wouldn't be as involved in this as I am. But seeing our father motionless and incoherent in bed for the last year was extremely tough on me and just as tough on him. It brought us closer together and I just have a hard time with the "tough love" approach given the circumstances and situation at hand. Normally, I would probably say "forget it" and while that attitude may eventually put him on the right path in the future, it's going to do nothing for my future nephew/neice... I have a a hard time just walking away, especially when his ex-GF is pleading with my wife to have me try and convince him to take responsibility for his actions.

Bluejay - Adoption has been discussed, and it is a possibility I guess, but I know his ex would never go for it. She's convinced that she can make it work, even being a single parent @ 19. Plus, I'm not convinced he won't knock up another girl just given his lax attitude on this whole situation and promiscuity.

He really needs another azz kicking again but I think all that's going to do is drive us apart from each other. He's really helped me out remodeling the new house we just bought (which was the old house we all grew up in).

 

No advice, but what the hell is wrong with guys who don't want their kids around 24/7?
Here guys have every opportunity and turn it down, when my ex is a needle junky and it still took me 3 years of fighting in court to even get partial custody. It's messed up.
Ok, now I have advice, tell him to man up and act like an adult, and if he doesn't, tell her to go ahead and plan on filing for child support and then he will at least have to provide something for the child. Crappy thing to do to your brother, but it's even crappier to be a "weekend father".

 

if you know he is not going to pick up what your putting down, then just sit back a watch him pay for it later. if i was in your shoes, and my bother, was doing it, which he is with his own 15 yr old, i'll try to be and influrance on the kid. my 15 yr old nef. calls me his dad. i'm always there for him. i know it sucks, but, if he's only worried about his friends and new girlfriend, that should say alot there. sorry for what you are going through. just pray alot and it may all turn out.

 

333

 

Just forget about it. It's his problem, let him deal with it as he sees fit.

 

Um, OK, I say dont say anything, YET! You see for a woman, they love a child the instant they know its inside. A Man loves his child upon first sight. When it looks at you, and grabs your hand and bears your name. There is nothing sweeter. At that point, I'd begin the calm talking and GUILT TRIPPING. "Wow, that baby is beautiful, it'd break MY heart if I couldnt see MY beautiful baby everyday" "It sure is going to be hard for mom to provide everything for it. I couldnt sleep at night if I thought my baby was hungry or cold"
Remember, He might not understand how important it is till he sees the child. I dont know how his and your fathers relationship but recall stories of the best things your dad did for him. Dont blame him, dont correct him. Just place the dots out there and hope he connects them.
BTW, I have a 12 yr old sister who isnt bad but I understand that "parental feeling" you have for your brother. You gotta let them have space but with the proper guidance (YOU) they'll be alright.

 

Good post! Hopefully he will be there for the birth... Something sure clicked inside for me when my kids were born.

But I don't think it was that way for some of the dead beat dads my two sisters married, so I guess it is not a universal thing.

 

as hard as its gonna be your gonna have to let him be stupid and make his own stupid decisions.... DONT make his problems your problems